Obsession

I am a bit of an obsessive person. I find something I like and gorge myself on it until I can't stand it anymore. Not only food, but people, places, things, anything I find of interest. For example, I post on a message board. When I first signed up, I spent hours reading everything that had been posted. Then, when I started posting, I would check in frequently to see if anyone had replied to my comment. If someone posted anything other than what I was talking about, I got offended. I would log in numerous times during the day, while at work, to check to see if anything new was there. This continued for a couple months, then it tapered off. I still log in frequently to read what others have written, but I'm not compelled to comment on it. I have done this with a couple different sites I've liked. I also do this people. When I first start dating someone I want to be with them all the time. I want them to want to be with me all the time. I get offended if they want to do something without me. This continues for awhile, until I've been with them so much they start to irritate me. Sometimes it's a long time before that happens, but I've also had it happen rather quickly. When I get to that point, I start finding reasons not to spend so much time with them or, when I do, I become snippy and short with them. Leaving them wondering what has gone wrong. This is one reason I think it's best if I stay single for awhile. The last two relationships I've had have ended badly, but I got so caught up in them that I forgot out me, and my daughter. So her sake, and mine, the single life is the best place for me. Atleast this way, if I obsess about something on the internet, she doesn't feel like there's someone more important than her.

Feeling powerless

I have a friend, a coworker, who is involved with an abusive man. She has three beautiful girls, from this man. She finally confided yesterday that he has been abusing her for awhile. (It was difficult for her to hide it any longer with the black eye she was sporting.) I, and several other conserned coworkers, advised her to go directly to the hospital so they could document the injury and contact the police for her. She insisted on staying at work until early afternoon. She tried staying all day, but we did finally convince her to leave shortly after lunch. She then went to the library to "research" what she needed to do, and to "clear her head". She finally did go talk to a councelor at a safe house. Who told her the same things we told her earlier. She also went to the emergency room later in the evening, so they could take a look at her eye. But she then decided she didn't want to press charges against him because she's afraid what he might do to her or the kids. Then today, she drops the kids off with him and comes to work. I realize he hasn't hurt the children, but if he is angry enough at her, he could take it out on them.

I get so frustrated with women thinking they don't have any option other than staying with a man that abuses them. Myself included. I stayed in a verbally abusive marriage because I didn't think I could raise my child alone. I also began to believe all the hurtful things he said to and about me. You hear them long enough and you start to believe you're ugly, worthless, fat, hopeless. I finally drew the line at the adultry. I would have lived with the verbal abuse, but the cheating was the final straw. To be honest, I didn't even have to leave him. We were already living apart. He was in Louisiana. I was in SC staying with my parents. I found out from his cousin he was living with someone. All I had to do was call him and conferm he was shacked up with someone else. So, to be completely honest, if we were actually living together, I might not have left. I had had my suspecions he was cheating before that, but I couldn't be sure, and it was easier to be ignorant. Once we officially seperated, I was told about other women had been involved with, even when we were first dating. I asked these people why they didn't tell me sooner. They all had the same answer. They didn't want to get involved. So instead I blindly married a man who couldn't be faithful.

4 Years

It's been 4 years since my father died. This year has effected me more than previous years. I think the long term of it has finality of it is more previlent now than before. There have been alot of things happen in the last few years I would have loved to share with him. My daughter has had many milestones he would be so proud of. She is turning 12 next month and I know he would be so proud of her. I think he would also he proud of me. The last few years have been a struggle, but I am finally getting myself together. I don't know how to convey the emptiness I feel without him in our lives. Everyday something happens to make think 'I wish Dad was here.' or 'Dad would love that.' I know he wouldn't want any of to dwell on what could have been, had he not died, but I carry some guilt I don't think I will ever be able to over come. He had a stroke and then a heart attack. I know he was gone before my brother and I even got him to the floor. But I can still his eyes. And mother brother trying to perform CPR on him. All I could do was sit on the floor and cry. I took a CPR class, so I knew what to do, but I couldn't move. My brother did the best he could, but I knew he wasn't doing the compressions in the right place, but I was so scared I couldn't say anything. I don't know if I could have changed what happened, but I just wish I had tried.

My mom

I have recently located my mother's blog. It has given me some great insite into who she is and what she has gone through. My mother is a widow. She was devastated when my father died almost 4 years ago. He was her soulmate. Her best friend. He was everything. His death has been hard on all of us, but she tettered on the edge of depression and possibly suicide. She has since met someone wonderful, who my brother and I like alot. But this also pains her because in some ways she feels she is being unfaithful to my father's memory.

My mother has done alot for me in my life, and especially here recently with my transportation issues. She has felt (according to her blog) that she had to take up alot of the extras dad did. I always knew if I was short on cash I could give him a call and he would have the money for me. She can't do that. She is on a strict budget, and my financial needs are a huge burden on her. I have been making more effort to budget my money better, and if I don't I certainly don't tell her. She carries alot of guilt for not being about to do for me (and my brother) like dad did. I have no animosity toward her for not being about to do these things. It truly never occurred to me that she had her own financial worries. I knew the house and the truck were paid off, so what worries could she have? Power? Water? Food? I didn't think that her income had seriously diminished. Instead of dad's 40++ hours, she now has to manage the small social security and insurance she gets. I figured if things were tight she'd get a part time job to make up the difference. I still don't know why she hasn't, but that's her decision.

I do know that after reading her blog, I feel very guilty for taking her and the money for granted. I'm not sure I will tell her I have read the blog, if I do it will be awhile. I feel like I've invaded a part of her I wasn't supposed to. Not that she wrote anything she didn't want others to read, but it gave me a view I wasn't expecting.

Getting my life together-Update

Yeah!!! I have a driver's license and a car again. The kid has decided we are runnin the roads everyday. If it was up to her, we would come home just long enough to sleep and shower. (For her showering is optional. At 11 it's not that important.) I am very thankful to be mobile again. I believe my family and friends we getting tired of carting me around. But now I have new challenges. I just had to put 4 new tires on the car. Not an expense I was planning on, but 1/2 an hour spent on the side of the interstate with a flat convinced me it was necessary. So, I spent 3 hours waiting for 4 tires to be mounted and installed. The money didn't bother me as much as the time it took, making me very late for work. But all is well for now, and I will be driving my car to Atlanta next week. The roads in the south are no longer safe.

Getting my life together.

I have had some difficulties in the past. (Not just with men, but they usually have something to do with my problems.) I trusted someone, yes a man, to go pay a couple tickets for me. I gave him the money and he told me he paid them. I had no reason to doubt him. We had been living together for awhile when he "paid" the first one. (You noticed the quotation marks. Yes, that does mean he didn't really.) So I trusted him to "pay" the second one also. I have no idea what he did with the money. Take his girlfriend out to lunch, pay for a room for the afternoon, buy paintball crap, I have no clue. Needless to say the state was none to happy they didn't get their money. I also had no idea they had suspended my license. I found this out 3 YEARS (yes, it needs to be shouted) later. Cop pulled me over for busted taillight (co-worker told me I needed to get if fixed just the day before). Took me to jail in handcuffs. (Yes, I was cuffed like a criminal and placed in the back of his patrol car.) He was very nice about it all. Let me call someone to get my daughter, and take the car to my house. Waited until she was out of site before slappin the cuffs on me. (No he didn't really slap them on me. I said he was very nice. He put two sets of cuffs together to me extra space. But I was still cuffed.) I then spent the evening at the county detention facility awaiting my time in front of the judge. Now, of coarse, my license is still suspended. I've had to spend lots of money in an effort to get them back. I have been very fortunate that my friends and family have been willing to ferry around so I can continue to work and provide for my child. Hopefully things will be worked out soon so I don't have to do this anymore.
After all this is done and behind me, I have been debating moving. Not just a minor move, I have been thinking about a major relocation. I'm not sure where I want to go, but I've been thinking a change of location may be a good thing. Maybe someplace a little warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer. Midwest might be what I want. Somewhere big enough to have really good band program in middle and high school. (Kiddo plays the flute-very good-in honor band. Just have to brag a little.) I've been thinking Texas lately, but I would have to brush-up on some Spanish. I'll have to put some more thought into it, but think sometime this year we will be moving.

Complaints

I often complain about my job and my co-works. I am not a complainer by nature, though. I am usually content with my life and surroundings. I try to see the positive in a situation, but work seems to be the one area I focus on the negative. It's not all jobs I've had, just mostly this one. I believe it is the environment. There is little praise for a job well done, but there is plenty criticism for every mistake, no matter how small. Although I believe my supervisor has realized she will catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Even though there were several people out yesterday she sent out emails of encouragement to those struggling to make it through the day. I'm not sure if someone pointed out her negativity or if she had a self revelation, but it certainly helped the attitude of everyone in the office. This may not be a permanent change, but it will be appreciated for as long as it lasts.

Would you really?

Radio station posed an interesting question: Would a guy have sex with the hottest most beautiful woman ever, even if she was a psycho serial killer?
(I should prefix this question with the conversation that was had beforehand. Another teacher was being convicted of having sex with (a) student(s). She is, of coarse, very attractive, but obviously seriously disturbed. This bringing up the question would a man knowingly have sex with someone who was crazy. The answer was if she was hot. So then the question was changed to a hot psycho serial killer who was willing and desperate to have sex with you.)
Several men called in saying no, they would not have sex with her no matter how hot she was.
Then a guy called saying of coarse he, and most other men, would. Even knowing she was a serial killer. But he would leave the light on so he could see every move she made, just in case she tried to stab him or something.
Finally a woman called in saying she would have sex with her if she was hot enough.
This makes me wonder who was being truthful. I think the ones who said yes are the most honest. Do we really care how crazy someone is, man or woman, as long as they are attractive and willing to have sex? I personally don't want to have relations with a psycho serial killer, male or female, no matter how hot they are. I value my life more than physical gratification.

Addiction

My name is April, and I'm an addict. ("Hello April."'s heard in background.) I have to have a fix atlease two to three times a week. (Nods of understanding.) I've even got my daughter addicted. (Gasps of shock.) I realize people must think I'm a horrible person and retched mother, but it's a way for us to spend time together. It's only going to get worse as we indulge more and more. This Thursday we even overdose. We'll get two of our favorites back to back. We'll get our first fix @8pm then second dose @9. I'm thrilled, Survivor will be back!!! And of coarse right after I will be switching to B&tG. I just can't get enough of those geeks!!!!

St Paddy's Day

Last year I went out with my brother and some of his friends. Adam, my bother, was the DD, so my intention was to get hammered and crash on his couch. Once we got out, I really didn't have that good of a time. His friends, who usually are quite the lushes, weren't really into drinking and were very boring. Being part Irish, and it being St Paddy Day, we went to an Irish Pub. We ended up call it a night pretty early, and I went home a bit disappointed. This year we are going to see Nickelback in Atlanta. Our friend Johnny is going, and I'm taking my daughter and making a weekend of it. There will be no wild drinking and partying, since she is 11. But I think it will be more fun than last year.

Customer service

I rarely slack off at work, no that's not right. Wrong r word. I ment I reguarly slack off at work. That's better. Not to say I don't get my work done. It's easy to look like I'm doing my work, since it's data entry. My complaint, is my co-works who slack off and don't get their work done. Or make so many mistakes it's not worth the effort to even try to fix it. I sit next to customer service, so I hear them on the phones all day. Most days I can tune them out and don't give them a second thought. The problem comes when the phones aren't busy and they chat amongst themselves. They becomes very loud, forgetting there are other people working whose jobs have nothing to do with the call volume. This bothers me more so, when I am asked to help answer calls because there are people out. It pisses me off when I look at the phone and see there are calls holding, and they are having personal conversations instead of answering the calls. Coming from customer service I don't normally mind helping out, I know how hectic things can get when someone's out. I also get very aggrivated when I'm listening to their end of the conversation and they are giving the customer completely wrong information. I realize most of this comes from lack of training. The newest people over there got little to no training on certain subject, but they know they don't know the correct answer. All they need to do is ask and someone will give them the correct answer. It doesn't help that I am a perfectionist when it comes to how I do my job. I have little tolerance for people who do a half ass attempt.

Space cadet

I find myself just staring at the computer screen sometimes. My job is data entry, so I'm infront of it all day long. And sometimes I just kinda zone out and stare through the monitor. (Of coarse I also do it when watching television.) Sometimes I worry it means I have some kind of brain damage. But I think I just get distracted easily by the voices in my head. It's much more interesting in there than it is out here in the real world. Does that mean I have issues? Of coarse I do, we all do. I just happen to have a really good imagination that sometimes over powers normal functions. Who needs to read in the bathroom when you have a mini-series going on in your head? Although I have been told that a red-head is second cousin to a blonde, so it might just be that there's alot of air rushing around just sounding like voices. Whatever it is, I find it can make a simple task take much longer.

Random Thoughts-Which are all the thoughts I have

-I like the new Jello commercial. The orange globs jiggling makes me giggle.

-Being southern instantly makes me stupid.

-Being a redhead instantly makes me a slut.

-Being single makes me untrustworthy around husbands and boyfriends.

-I don't understand alot of what's out on the internet. It's not that I'm stupid, it just doesn't make any sense. The wild ramblings of seemingly normal people. I search through blogs looking for something interesting to read, maybe something funny, or inspiring. All I find is crap. Not that I think I'm writing anything profound, but it's better than most of the crap floating around. But this my crap, so of coarse I think it's better than others.

-What is it with men thinking they look sexy no matter how old, fat and bald they get? I saw a guy walking down the mall, beer gut hangin out, hair line starting at the back of his neck, thinking he was the stud. Maybe 20 years and 100 suitcases of Bud ago he was cute, but now he's just a joke.