Driving

I was thinking about my dad this morning on the drive into work. I was taking my daughter and her friend (blond girl) to school this morning, when they asked why I hold the steering wheel the way I do. Blond girl said her mom and dad wrap their thumbs under the wheel so they can hold it tighter. I told her it was because of a story my dad told me when he was teaching me to drive.
In high school his drivers ed teacher was driving them back to the school. When he turned a corner they hit something in the road that jerked the steering wheel. The bar on the wheel caught both his thumbs as it whirled around. He tried to continue to drive them back, but both his thumbs were broken.
This of coarse got me thinking about dad teaching me to drive. My mother tried once or twice, but didn't have the patience. So my dad took me to an abandoned airfield so I could practice without endangering other lives. We spent all day out there. He taught me to know where the tires are on the road, how to power stop, and evasive maneuvers, along with the normal 3 point turn and parallel parking. I then drove home on the interstate, which scared the crap out of me. I didn't understand merging, and matching the other drivers speed. I had never driven that fast. 55 seemed like 90 to me. It didn't take long to get over that one.
I loved that day. Not just because I was learning to drive, but because I had him all to myself.

Here again.

I am here again. I have been long absent, but I have finally returned. Not that there was any commotion over my absence. I have developed no following I have to address on a regular basis so they don't loose interest. I'm not really sure what I've been doing since the last I posted. Nothing really fabulous to keep my attention elsewhere. I have obsessed over a few sites and of coarse also lost interest. I was quite busy at work for while. My coworker I spoke of earlier quit and left me doing things myself. She said she was leaving her husband and moving. I have since seen her out shopping. She says now she's staying with her folks and the girls are seeing their dad on the weekends. Then why was she shopping on a Tuesday after work at the Target that is right by his house and only one child was with her? I'm not a fool. She stayed with him and was too ashamed to come back to work. Our exterminator says she working in an office across town.
But now we've hired the second replacement for her. The first one only lasted about month before I ran him off. This one has been here a few months and is doing well. She still asked alot of questions. Sometimes the same question several times, which drives me crazy. I don't mind answering questions, but not the same one over and over.
Other than that, I'm not sure what's been going on. No new man in my life. No wonderful social life that keeps me busy. I must of just been goofing off in other ways. What ever the reason, I have had a birthday which means I am futher into the 30 something range. Nothing wonderful happened that day, but nothing bad happened either. Which is an improvement over the last few years. Last year the guy I was seeing dumped me. Nice. Previous to him, the other guys I've dated have started arguements. Or just completely forgot. So this was a nice change. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years went by with no real commotion. God, my life is so boring.

Obsession

I am a bit of an obsessive person. I find something I like and gorge myself on it until I can't stand it anymore. Not only food, but people, places, things, anything I find of interest. For example, I post on a message board. When I first signed up, I spent hours reading everything that had been posted. Then, when I started posting, I would check in frequently to see if anyone had replied to my comment. If someone posted anything other than what I was talking about, I got offended. I would log in numerous times during the day, while at work, to check to see if anything new was there. This continued for a couple months, then it tapered off. I still log in frequently to read what others have written, but I'm not compelled to comment on it. I have done this with a couple different sites I've liked. I also do this people. When I first start dating someone I want to be with them all the time. I want them to want to be with me all the time. I get offended if they want to do something without me. This continues for awhile, until I've been with them so much they start to irritate me. Sometimes it's a long time before that happens, but I've also had it happen rather quickly. When I get to that point, I start finding reasons not to spend so much time with them or, when I do, I become snippy and short with them. Leaving them wondering what has gone wrong. This is one reason I think it's best if I stay single for awhile. The last two relationships I've had have ended badly, but I got so caught up in them that I forgot out me, and my daughter. So her sake, and mine, the single life is the best place for me. Atleast this way, if I obsess about something on the internet, she doesn't feel like there's someone more important than her.

Feeling powerless

I have a friend, a coworker, who is involved with an abusive man. She has three beautiful girls, from this man. She finally confided yesterday that he has been abusing her for awhile. (It was difficult for her to hide it any longer with the black eye she was sporting.) I, and several other conserned coworkers, advised her to go directly to the hospital so they could document the injury and contact the police for her. She insisted on staying at work until early afternoon. She tried staying all day, but we did finally convince her to leave shortly after lunch. She then went to the library to "research" what she needed to do, and to "clear her head". She finally did go talk to a councelor at a safe house. Who told her the same things we told her earlier. She also went to the emergency room later in the evening, so they could take a look at her eye. But she then decided she didn't want to press charges against him because she's afraid what he might do to her or the kids. Then today, she drops the kids off with him and comes to work. I realize he hasn't hurt the children, but if he is angry enough at her, he could take it out on them.

I get so frustrated with women thinking they don't have any option other than staying with a man that abuses them. Myself included. I stayed in a verbally abusive marriage because I didn't think I could raise my child alone. I also began to believe all the hurtful things he said to and about me. You hear them long enough and you start to believe you're ugly, worthless, fat, hopeless. I finally drew the line at the adultry. I would have lived with the verbal abuse, but the cheating was the final straw. To be honest, I didn't even have to leave him. We were already living apart. He was in Louisiana. I was in SC staying with my parents. I found out from his cousin he was living with someone. All I had to do was call him and conferm he was shacked up with someone else. So, to be completely honest, if we were actually living together, I might not have left. I had had my suspecions he was cheating before that, but I couldn't be sure, and it was easier to be ignorant. Once we officially seperated, I was told about other women had been involved with, even when we were first dating. I asked these people why they didn't tell me sooner. They all had the same answer. They didn't want to get involved. So instead I blindly married a man who couldn't be faithful.

4 Years

It's been 4 years since my father died. This year has effected me more than previous years. I think the long term of it has finality of it is more previlent now than before. There have been alot of things happen in the last few years I would have loved to share with him. My daughter has had many milestones he would be so proud of. She is turning 12 next month and I know he would be so proud of her. I think he would also he proud of me. The last few years have been a struggle, but I am finally getting myself together. I don't know how to convey the emptiness I feel without him in our lives. Everyday something happens to make think 'I wish Dad was here.' or 'Dad would love that.' I know he wouldn't want any of to dwell on what could have been, had he not died, but I carry some guilt I don't think I will ever be able to over come. He had a stroke and then a heart attack. I know he was gone before my brother and I even got him to the floor. But I can still his eyes. And mother brother trying to perform CPR on him. All I could do was sit on the floor and cry. I took a CPR class, so I knew what to do, but I couldn't move. My brother did the best he could, but I knew he wasn't doing the compressions in the right place, but I was so scared I couldn't say anything. I don't know if I could have changed what happened, but I just wish I had tried.

My mom

I have recently located my mother's blog. It has given me some great insite into who she is and what she has gone through. My mother is a widow. She was devastated when my father died almost 4 years ago. He was her soulmate. Her best friend. He was everything. His death has been hard on all of us, but she tettered on the edge of depression and possibly suicide. She has since met someone wonderful, who my brother and I like alot. But this also pains her because in some ways she feels she is being unfaithful to my father's memory.

My mother has done alot for me in my life, and especially here recently with my transportation issues. She has felt (according to her blog) that she had to take up alot of the extras dad did. I always knew if I was short on cash I could give him a call and he would have the money for me. She can't do that. She is on a strict budget, and my financial needs are a huge burden on her. I have been making more effort to budget my money better, and if I don't I certainly don't tell her. She carries alot of guilt for not being about to do for me (and my brother) like dad did. I have no animosity toward her for not being about to do these things. It truly never occurred to me that she had her own financial worries. I knew the house and the truck were paid off, so what worries could she have? Power? Water? Food? I didn't think that her income had seriously diminished. Instead of dad's 40++ hours, she now has to manage the small social security and insurance she gets. I figured if things were tight she'd get a part time job to make up the difference. I still don't know why she hasn't, but that's her decision.

I do know that after reading her blog, I feel very guilty for taking her and the money for granted. I'm not sure I will tell her I have read the blog, if I do it will be awhile. I feel like I've invaded a part of her I wasn't supposed to. Not that she wrote anything she didn't want others to read, but it gave me a view I wasn't expecting.

Getting my life together-Update

Yeah!!! I have a driver's license and a car again. The kid has decided we are runnin the roads everyday. If it was up to her, we would come home just long enough to sleep and shower. (For her showering is optional. At 11 it's not that important.) I am very thankful to be mobile again. I believe my family and friends we getting tired of carting me around. But now I have new challenges. I just had to put 4 new tires on the car. Not an expense I was planning on, but 1/2 an hour spent on the side of the interstate with a flat convinced me it was necessary. So, I spent 3 hours waiting for 4 tires to be mounted and installed. The money didn't bother me as much as the time it took, making me very late for work. But all is well for now, and I will be driving my car to Atlanta next week. The roads in the south are no longer safe.