4 Years

It's been 4 years since my father died. This year has effected me more than previous years. I think the long term of it has finality of it is more previlent now than before. There have been alot of things happen in the last few years I would have loved to share with him. My daughter has had many milestones he would be so proud of. She is turning 12 next month and I know he would be so proud of her. I think he would also he proud of me. The last few years have been a struggle, but I am finally getting myself together. I don't know how to convey the emptiness I feel without him in our lives. Everyday something happens to make think 'I wish Dad was here.' or 'Dad would love that.' I know he wouldn't want any of to dwell on what could have been, had he not died, but I carry some guilt I don't think I will ever be able to over come. He had a stroke and then a heart attack. I know he was gone before my brother and I even got him to the floor. But I can still his eyes. And mother brother trying to perform CPR on him. All I could do was sit on the floor and cry. I took a CPR class, so I knew what to do, but I couldn't move. My brother did the best he could, but I knew he wasn't doing the compressions in the right place, but I was so scared I couldn't say anything. I don't know if I could have changed what happened, but I just wish I had tried.